World's Worst Pap Smear

I'll tell you a funny story, that I'm sure is completely inapropriate...but you have to appriciate the humor.

Okay...I had my annual "female exam" today and I was really nervous about it. I havn't really been keeping up with it annually because, honestly, it sucks to do it in the first place. So, I was just paranoid I would go in there and get some bad news, like that I had cervical cancer or something. I waited in the lobby full of people for what seemed like at least an hour, reading a Cosmopolitan magazine from like 92' and finally they called my name. I went into a tiny room and got in my little paper negleje' and then she came in. She checked my blood pressure, breasts, limphnodes and so on and then asked me to lie down. UGH!

She placed my feet in the sturips and told me to relax, as if I were about to get a deep tissue massage. But soon I felt like I was in a bad lesbian porn...and she wasn't even hot! She inserted the speculum, which opens you up so they can have a look around and then she proceeded to take a visual stroll through my vagina.

Before too long, she said, and I quote, "I think that is your cervix." You can imagine my concern upon hearing this as I began to wonder how long she had been in practice...or if she was just one of those hillbilly, quack, internet practicers who bought their certificate of vaginal knowledge on Ebay.

Seconds later, before I could say Anbesol, she exclaimed..."HOLY COW!" I kid you not, she actually said that. I screamed, "WHAT???" in a complete state of panic, nearly falling of the inclined bed. She progressed to telling me that my cervix was in the wrong place and my uterus was tiltled sideways....but that was ok, um...apparently. She said it was abnormal, but it happens.

Now I finally know why I havn't somehow gotten pregnant after all these years of sex, with condoms being my only source of contraceptive. If any of the little sperms had wiggled there way into my birthing canal, they would have gotten lost and confused by the misplaced cervix and taken a wrong turn somewhere, I suppose. That and alot of them were driving while under the influence as well...and far too egotistical to stop and ask for directions. It reminds me of the movie, "Alice in Wonderland" when the dog with the broomface is walking behind Alice and erasing her footsteps, so that when she turns around, she has no way to know which way she had come from. Maybe my body has made up a mapping system, just to trick those little guys, or girls, into getting lost. I suppose its a self defense mechanism installed sometime within the last four years in order to protect my cookie from the pains of childbirth. Or, maybe it is even set on some sort of a schedule, so that every four years, all my girly organs just uproot, migrate and set up shop in a new location...again to confuse the little guys, um, or girls. Its all a conspiracy against my ability to breed. I don't guess its too easy to go to Yahoo Maps and get directions from my cervix to my uterus.  I bet the government knows that were I to breed, my awesome offspring would arrange a party to somehow collectively take charge and make them like it, but they are egotistical as well...so that just doesn't work for them. Or maybe its just God's way of saying that the line of women in my family, and all our history of random uniquness has seen its end, and we must seice to exist, so that woman can someday return to her original purpose...housewife. Hmmm....food for thought.